Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.