Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
You Might Also Like
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Bike for sale
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Stop it! 😂
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!