I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious