Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
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DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
goldfish mafia
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”