If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
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Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
it is time once again
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.