Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
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when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
BaD BoY!!
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
english majors be like furthermore
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”