Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
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You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.