WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
🙅🏻
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog