Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
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I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.