You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
You Might Also Like
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I support this random dude and all his protests
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.