Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
(Musicians.)
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky