my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
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[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
What flavor cupcake are these