Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
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my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Yup.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
They’re on their honeymoon
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”