@MaxKrimeTV

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

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@PanicRestroom

Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie

@clintwebster

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

@Richard57941301

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

@CallousBalzac

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

@jakob_huber

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza

@John_M15

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

@Social_Mime

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

@canadasandra

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

@SpenceDen

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.