“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

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ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood


i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator


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WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.


Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza


The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?


Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.


if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree


I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.