“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
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It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My kitchen overserved me.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.