They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
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If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My apartment is a mess, I should move
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I have a new favorite meme page
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT