Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
real
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.