My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
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Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*