i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
You Might Also Like
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?