Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
The Assassin.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there