I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
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If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Phew
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.