me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
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If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was