Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
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Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
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