i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
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Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.