My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
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Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
me
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit