Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
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The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that