I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
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When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
The prophecy is fulfilled
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.