Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
You Might Also Like
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing