I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
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The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.