Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
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I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Someone just threatened to call me later
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t