[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
You Might Also Like
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
This is true.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
How can I say no to this ?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.