“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
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Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.