I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
You Might Also Like
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Just this preview of the story is enough
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…