{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
You Might Also Like
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler