I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Terribly Tuesday.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
When you let grandma cat sit
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
