I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
School be like
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there