The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
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Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Yes, but it was never about money
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.