At what age should you put the tonsils back in
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As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP