As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
You Might Also Like
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Natural selection at its finest
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.