If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.