it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
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I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.