“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
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“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street