given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism