Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
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[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.