I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
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I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
LOL
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Cake!!
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.