I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
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It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?