Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
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My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.