Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
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[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
The Compass
i smell a pulitzer
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Morning my dudes.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.