[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
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Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Netflix: We have Less
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?