I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
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I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.