No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
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Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
My apartment is a mess, I should move
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
took too long to spell doubt
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
*stirs coffee with knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.