No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
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Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
tell em, edith-anne
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{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey