No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
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honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.