[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
You Might Also Like
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.